it is not the end
the very first post of this blog and the last post is all about you. it is like.. after 2 and half years? i guess i need to pen this down so that i can remember. memories do fade so does feelings that are not answered. i forgot about all the important dates and the events that matters the most to me in the past. i cannot deny that you are right about things sometimes but they are not completely right too.
the moment i on my computer is the moment i see you. in so many different ways i make sure that you appear on my desktop. i lost count of the number of times i clicked at your chat and type and delete and decided to close it. i just dont know how to say it and dont know if the right idea is being send across. i am just quite dumb.
i changed my pm after pretty dam long. yeah i did and you knew that i wrote that for you to see. i changed it because you asked for that to happen, in a different way. you want me to say no to those who ask anything about you, i dont want to lie so i had to walk away.people always use my pm as a topic starter to ask “if you still…. blah blah” i had to change it. not because the feelings changed, but because i wanted to help you avoid that topic as well.
i know you will not read this blog because if you did, you would have seen the last line of my post many months ago. i cannot help but visit your blog every now and then. and was it a mistake that i go to your blog today..? why i did not initiate anything..? why we din talk things out? why? because i am a loser? because i am a coward? because.. i am afraid if i cross the line of friends i will lose another friend. i rather things remain the way it is rather than losing it.
it is like another few months since i last talked to you. i dont know when will be the next time… that day i fly for taiwan, i was stalking you? yeah i did because i knew i wont be able to do it when i am in taiwan, i want to know what is happening around you and the next time i talk to you, i wont be living the in past.. not know anything. this makes me feel dumb again.. why i dont dare to just talk to you.. because i dont wan to receive 2 word answer again.. i never complained about the 2 word answer but i dont know why i cannot just take it.. because i am afraid that i am actually annoying you and you are just too nice to say it.
you have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad. love what you got, and remember what you had. always forgive, but never forget. learn from your mistakes, but never regret. people change, things go wrong, but remember – life goes on. life is just not as bright as it is when we are still talking.
after so many months, we din talked to each other… but your image remains clear in my head.. i realised you did not say no to me directly. maybe it is time for me to ask for a yes or no. because i cannot be dragging things on. i know even if you say no, you will remain in my heart for pretty darn long but i will feel less pain i guess. you din cause the pain, but i did.
it is 2 days to your birthday and i did not do what i planed.. things just go the way as planned.. so as how will i get together with you. up till today, i still dont know what is 2 person being together… maybe i am just a loner… never meant be to-get-her.
let this be the very last post that i will see when i visit this blog. and let all the memories come back to me when i forget the little details. no matter what. you are still the perfect one.
edited.. when i tried 23573765 i am feeling lucky on google today.. your name din appear. so i tried to type your name and try again. it is not you again… i felt so disappointed
edited on 19th. just feel dam sad/sian or some kind of mixed feelings that is not very nice. i hate to keep the gift that i intended to give… the more i see it, the sadder i feel.. oh man..
on 28th 3am… i kinda wonder when is long enough… and who is that..
on 29th 1am. i went back to your old blog coz i just had this feeling that you still post stuff there and i wanted to see the chat box. but it was opened to invited people only.. haizzz guess i am not invited to the party
2am. somehow you are online and not busy/away.. but i dun know if i start talking then will you just go offline? oh dun think so much.. just sleep.
jan 8. things that i dont know.
what is her fav colour? what is her fav food? what is her fav past time besides youtube, guitar and piano? where does she likes to go besides that few library? actually i dont know about tons of stuff but i just dun know how to ask…
16th jan. i walked that street alone and in the reverse direction for the first time… did recall some fun moments but they were all so short.. it is indeed quite sad to walk there alone… but i can only try to be optimistic
