i really have a weak heart.
i really suck at talking.
i really know nothing about you
i really have problems controlling my heart beat when it is related to you
i am probably dumbest person on earth
i am probably childish enough to believe that determination will work things out
i am really stupid coz i always screw things up
i am really lousy coz i keep things to myself instead of speaking it out loud
i am probably a big asshole who made your life sad for the past few years
i am really sorry.
somehow i remember today… some kind of coincidence… all the memories.. no regrets but i could have done better. i will try again when nov is over.
the very first post of this blog and the last post is all about you. it is like.. after 2 and half years? i guess i need to pen this down so that i can remember. memories do fade so does feelings that are not answered. i forgot about all the important dates and the events that matters the most to me in the past. i cannot deny that you are right about things sometimes but they are not completely right too.
the moment i on my computer is the moment i see you. in so many different ways i make sure that you appear on my desktop. i lost count of the number of times i clicked at your chat and type and delete and decided to close it. i just dont know how to say it and dont know if the right idea is being send across. i am just quite dumb.
i changed my pm after pretty dam long. yeah i did and you knew that i wrote that for you to see. i changed it because you asked for that to happen, in a different way. you want me to say no to those who ask anything about you, i dont want to lie so i had to walk away.people always use my pm as a topic starter to ask “if you still…. blah blah” i had to change it. not because the feelings changed, but because i wanted to help you avoid that topic as well.
i know you will not read this blog because if you did, you would have seen the last line of my post many months ago. i cannot help but visit your blog every now and then. and was it a mistake that i go to your blog today..? why i did not initiate anything..? why we din talk things out? why? because i am a loser? because i am a coward? because.. i am afraid if i cross the line of friends i will lose another friend. i rather things remain the way it is rather than losing it.
it is like another few months since i last talked to you. i dont know when will be the next time… that day i fly for taiwan, i was stalking you? yeah i did because i knew i wont be able to do it when i am in taiwan, i want to know what is happening around you and the next time i talk to you, i wont be living the in past.. not know anything. this makes me feel dumb again.. why i dont dare to just talk to you.. because i dont wan to receive 2 word answer again.. i never complained about the 2 word answer but i dont know why i cannot just take it.. because i am afraid that i am actually annoying you and you are just too nice to say it.
you have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad. love what you got, and remember what you had. always forgive, but never forget. learn from your mistakes, but never regret. people change, things go wrong, but remember – life goes on. life is just not as bright as it is when we are still talking.
after so many months, we din talked to each other… but your image remains clear in my head.. i realised you did not say no to me directly. maybe it is time for me to ask for a yes or no. because i cannot be dragging things on. i know even if you say no, you will remain in my heart for pretty darn long but i will feel less pain i guess. you din cause the pain, but i did.
it is 2 days to your birthday and i did not do what i planed.. things just go the way as planned.. so as how will i get together with you. up till today, i still dont know what is 2 person being together… maybe i am just a loner… never meant be to-get-her.
let this be the very last post that i will see when i visit this blog. and let all the memories come back to me when i forget the little details. no matter what. you are still the perfect one.
edited.. when i tried 23573765 i am feeling lucky on google today.. your name din appear. so i tried to type your name and try again. it is not you again… i felt so disappointed
edited on 19th. just feel dam sad/sian or some kind of mixed feelings that is not very nice. i hate to keep the gift that i intended to give… the more i see it, the sadder i feel.. oh man..
on 28th 3am… i kinda wonder when is long enough… and who is that..
on 29th 1am. i went back to your old blog coz i just had this feeling that you still post stuff there and i wanted to see the chat box. but it was opened to invited people only.. haizzz guess i am not invited to the party
2am. somehow you are online and not busy/away.. but i dun know if i start talking then will you just go offline? oh dun think so much.. just sleep.
jan 8. things that i dont know.
what is her fav colour? what is her fav food? what is her fav past time besides youtube, guitar and piano? where does she likes to go besides that few library? actually i dont know about tons of stuff but i just dun know how to ask…
16th jan. i walked that street alone and in the reverse direction for the first time… did recall some fun moments but they were all so short.. it is indeed quite sad to walk there alone… but i can only try to be optimistic
it just sucks to see stuff like that. maybe it is just plain stupid of me to do that but i have no regrets. at least this way i feel that i am still alive… rather than doing things for the sake of doing. this/you is/are different. i am still happy.
school is like super boring for now. all the stupid homework, tutorial and lectures which i dont understand anything at all! i need to study harder. really alot harder! so 1st, stop blogging.
it is all in the heart.
lol life sucks when u fail block tests. it sucks more when everything is not going your way. i am going to sleep it away…
sometimes you took it and it never comes back.
look left. look right. did anything changed?
no… except the time
i know this is going to come sooner or later, but i din expect it to be such a pain. kinda dun feel like going to school anymore… wonder if i have the option to quit school now will i take it? used to love to go to school and see people around… but that feeling isn’t there anymore. i need more motivation… i need me, myself to know how important it is to get a good score to get to good universities…
but after all, i still haven decide if i should go to university. i need to talk about my future with my parents. like asap. i dont know if they know what i feel. i just know they are far away… really far. not just that 2hours of flight.
sounds like drama? nah. u never know what is going on. cos it aint ur life.
reborn! haha! i spent my past few days watching and reading this manga and anime! haha it is like unexpectedly nice?! haha such a regret that i din watching this from the start. haha i remember turning it down the other time haha. I WANT A KATEKYO that is that cool as well!
so my holiday… lol gone already. my revision dead. my coming block tet. screwed! o man i need some help with chem!!!!! i really dont know alot of thing!! OMG i am starting to panic! alotttt of hw to do and i dun know where to start… ohhhhhhhhhh noooooo!
omg this sucks!!! i cannot sleep at night! i had been sleeping super late recently that i think if i continue i am going to turn vampire or die. i tried to sleep at 1am and zzz i roll on the bed until 4am! wtf. so my day was gone… i spent my day sleeping and wake up at like… 3? sucks. and eating the chinese medicine everyday make me want to die more. the smell n taste is zzz. even my cousin who is like afew meter away can smell it! zzzzzzz i have to continue drinking for like at least 1 whole month. aww man!!!! how to surviveeeeeeee!
so my holiday so far. slacking, sleeping…. procrastinating… zzz hopeless. i am going to fail block test.
